joshua- revised

joshua is a homeless man.

joshua wasn't always homeless. but his choices led him down a path he can't seem to fight his way out of. addictions led him here. addictions that he hates but also loves. addictions he clings to.
no matter how much sleep he got the day and night before, joshua is always tired. and it's summer; the sun exhausts him even more. during the days he does what he can to make it by... survive. he sits in air conditioned places for hours even if he gets cold because he knows when he goes outside he will not receive relief from the burning sun. he takes naps on park benches because he's bored out of his mind and nothing else will pass the time.
joshua thinks to himself, "sleeping on a hard surface with just no give makes your body hurt in ways you didn't expect." his bones push up against his skin and bruise him. he has no fat to protect his body from his own bones. the simplest tasks become the greatest challenges because of the pain and exhaustion. his motivation is practically non-existent because his exhaustion debilitates him. still his addictions debilitate him too. joshua is exhausted... emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually.
he's grown used to the hunger pangs, so much so he forgot the genuine feeling of hunger. his stomach always seems upset because he is so malnourished. you don't see a pound of apples on the dollar menu... but still, he talks about his favorite food with his friends and about how when he makes his way out of this hole the first thing he's going to buy is a big fancy meal. he tortures himself with that dream. such a simple sounding dream but he clings to it; he doesn't have much else to cling to anymore.
he thinks, "how unfair that i eat rice when the people next to me eat steak." joshua walks down the same street that the richest walk down. in fact, he lives on this street. literally on that street. he can't wrap his mind around why his has a penny in his pocket and the person sitting on the bench next to him is closing on a $500,000 house. he thinks about his family. he didn't grow up with much either but his family is still considered to be among the wealthy. he wishes he hadn't messed it up but instead of confessing it, he blames someone else to avoid the next step after confession: repentance.
he can't remember the last night he felt safe. the good night's sleep when he wasn't clinging to his things in fear that someone might steal them. he can't remember uninterrupted sleep. sleeping like a rock means nothing to him anymore. but he's always up early, on to the next bench. moving around give him a sense of purpose.
he sees people turn away from him, flash him a pity smile. people look uncomfortable around him, they look afraid. he smells. his skin is dark, not by pigment but by dirt. his hair and skin are greasy but it feels almost normal to be greasy by now. he bathes in public fountains. he can't stand being around himself because of the smell. the dirt is caked on because it mixes with the sweat. he wants to feel normal for a little while. he wants to feel a little more clean. everyone stares it him. they laugh. any shred of dignity as a human being falls away. people don't talk to him, they don't even look him in the eye. they judge him. they think he is a leper. joshua is hurt by this, but after a while he becomes used it.
he notices that dignity stands in the way of him and a meal. so despite the way his heart pounds in his throat when he asks for food or money, despite the looks of disgust people give him when he asks, he does it to survive. he hates it. but he loves it. he's grown to love it. manipulating, he feels, is the one thing he is good at. he forgets his real talents. people have led him to believe that he has nothing to offer. heck, if he can't even get someone to look at him square in the eye, what is he worth?

joshua, the same man he has always been, feels like an alien in his own skin.

but that is not who joshua is. joshua has likes, dislikes. he too has a favorite movie, i don't know what it is but i know he has one. he has dreams and aspirations. he's talented. more talented than people would ever expect. he can draw. he's good at science. it intrigues him. he is actually quite brilliant; more brilliant than he even knows. he is handsome. he has a laugh that makes you want to laugh. makes you want to cry. his smile, though hidden by teeth that haven't been taken care of for 10 years, is one in a million.
i think he believes in something bigger than him, what "it" is he's not sure. not sure whether to trust "it" and to run away. not sure whether "it" thinks of him with love or hates his sinful self.

joshua has a family. one that has loved him for 28 years. one that he thinks rejects him.

it wasn't always like this for joshua.
joshua has worked himself into despair. his addictions give him a temporary sense of comfort... they make him feel better for a bit. they take the edge off. they help him forget. but the deeper he dives into them, the more his world crumbles below his feet. his addictions have turned on him. joshua becomes more desperate. instead of humbly asking for love he demands attention. this hurts the ones who love him. their love is too weak. they are not strong enough to love him more than they already do. they are mere humans.

but it kills them.

joshua feels alone. he feels outcasted, yet entitled. entitled to a home. entitled to love. but still entitled to his addictions. what joshua doesn't know is that his family cannot love him the way his Father can. he has never heard psalm 136:2 which says "God's love endures forever." maybe someone has said it to him but he has never heard it. his hope (what's left of it) is fixed on the world. that is why when he falls, he falls hard. that is why the people who love him continue to fail him. that is why he is angry. that is why he feels rejected. for too long he has believed man can give him what he needs. for too long he's relied on himself, his family, the world. what good has that done for him? his hope is running out. it becomes more and more temporary. what can the world give him that God can't?
who will show joshua that his family is weak but God is strong? his family wants to have compassion for him, but the years have drained them. the years have tainted their relationship. and his family hates that. they feel guilty that they can't give him what he needs. they feel as though they have failed. they feel like they must be bad people if they can't even show enough love to their own flesh and blood. they're being subjected to hopelessness. the world tries to make them believe they are bad. who will tell them otherwise?
who will help joshua to fix his hope upon the Lord? who will have compassion for him? who will reach out to joshua? and how? what is the best way? what way will move him the best? what way will change his life? joshua needs something real. not a brochure. not a business card with the words, "Jesus loves you," on it joshua needs someone outside his situation. as much as his family wants to save him, they're inept. or at least, that's how they feel. who will help joshua see this?

this is why we are called to minister. because of joshua and millions others whose hope is about to run out because it is not fixed upon the Lord.


this note is not written to endow guilt. everything read here that joshua goes through day-to-day is what i experienced during a poverty simulation i went through while on summer project in new york. each affliction or trial i experienced i connected to joshua in my mind. he is a real person that is not going through a poverty simulation. homelessness is his life... for right now. i have a faith so strong that God will pursue this young man as his son and reinforce his worth. i believe that one day, joshua's story will be a testimony to faith. an awesome testimony. one that will inspire and help others. will you pray for that? will you believe in that? and will you remember the thousands of other joshuas? they are not all addicts like him. some have been laid off, some have been abused. some have been handed chance cards that aren't make believe; they are real life and have pulled them under.
pray that joshua's addiction is replaced by the hope God's salvation brings! what joshua has never heard is that Christ already defeated his addiction on the cross. maybe someone has already told him that, but he's still never heard it. pray that he hears it.

and pray for his family. they feel lost in the situation too.